Applying For Jobs

HEY! I know what I'm gonna do today! I'm gonna apply for jobs! Doesn't that sound fun!?! I love applying for jobs and all aspects that go into applying for jobs! Who are the masterminds of this process?  I would like to know how these incredible rules were established...

maybe it went a little something like this:

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Cover Letters
I have an idea! Let's make people write three paragraphs about why they should be hired. They can restate exactly what is on their resume to show they know how to complete sentences! OR they can add little tidbits about their experience not on their resume (this is preferable but shhhhh don't tell them! it's a secret!). AND THEN, you know what? Let's not read what they wrote! Let's totally disregard the cover letter! RECYCLE. Who wants to read that bullshit anyway?!?

Resumes
A simple list will not do! It needs to be structured appropriately and use as many verbs as possible. Make 'em use that thesaurus. Served, supplied, arranged, assisted, provided, delivered, distributed. It all means the same thing but if there is one word twice...they are out! TO THE TRASH.

Ooohh I see "spearhead" here...this guy's a keeper! But this one...this one needs to tailor the resume to the job. BIN IT..

Interviews
OK so each potential employee should be asked about strengths and weaknesses.  If the interviewee lists a weakness as a strength they are good to go. Here are some great examples of "weaknesses" to listen for: I work too hard (eee employers hate that!), I take too many projects on at once (such a problem!),  I'm too willing, too friendly and too focused. OH NO! Red flag, red flag, red flag!

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Perhaps you are thinking, "What other process would be better?" or "How else would people get jobs?" I don't have an alternative suggestion except...maybe getting a job through people you know.

What an amazing concept!!!