5:00 PM My outfit draws in several stares at our hotel lobby. I'm sporting my cowboy boots, a jean skirt, a black t-shirt that says "Love That Country Music", huge, black ray bans and a bandanna stuffed with my belongings tied securely to the end of a long stick. A security guard approaches me immediately and warns me to be careful. I consider it and head to the elevators, where a bystander asks if I hitch-hiked here. I lie, "Yes." He responds with a smile "That's freakin' awesome!"
5:30 PM We head out for some food. Dinner is somewhat strained and tension-filled. Rollin' deep has it's drawbacks when nobody can make a decision and Racey's bra causes controversy. Our server's voice sounds like Kermit The Frog on crack. Paying for our bill takes longer than eating the food.
7:00 PM We go back to the hotel and prepare for the night's festivities. I'm bored, nursing a beer on the bed when Racey entertains me by lifting her dress up to expose creme colored spanx. She gyrates.
8:00 PM Racey continues to raise her dress and takes so much pleasure in showing them off I dub her Lady Gaga. This causes our other friend Masey to demand a performance and Racey happily complies.
9:30 PM Racey sports all the normal Bride Bachelorette apparel and has a Scavenger Hunt list of tasks she must complete at the honkey tonk bars we go to. The Hunt ends up being a bust though, as she asks plus fifteen men for a condom and no one seems to have one. We head to the next bar, where my hobo stick is greeted warmly and we hop up on the actual bar. The bartender tapped my leg and I thought the fun was over. I leaned down to see what was wrong but she just said, "I LOVE YOUR BOOTS." This makes me stomp more fiercely with my boot's metal taps.
10:30 Changing bars I stop at an Elvis statue and practice my hitchhiking pose. This brings in mixed reactions. A group asks if they can take a picture with me. I don't move.
11:30-ish We go back to Tootsies and the lead singer pulls us on stage as soon as we walk in. I hold my hobo stick high.
12:30-ish We go to a different bar on Broadway Street and an older man with white hair keeps buying my drinks. He is Ralph Lauren. OK I don't know FOR SURE if he is Ralph Lauren, but in my mind, he is Ralph Lauren. Racey's Lady Gaga routine continues for all to see.
1:30???? I walk back to the hotel (hobo stick in hand) and pass out.
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