A Homesickness Cure

To combat homesickness, I am trying to think of what I WILL NOT miss from Ohio this Christmas.

It is inevitably a hard task and a certain amount of brainstorming is necessary. Maybe I will start with friends....

Seeing my naughty high school friends is part of the wonderful Athens Christmas package. Most of the time our misbehavior is harmless BUT what happens in Athens stays in Athens. Trying to forget about when you drunkenly crawled in the wrong bed and spooned your friend's mom? Good luck!

Of course there are always small irritations at Christmastime. Last year one of my oldest friends invited me over to her parent's house. Within seconds of arriving, she was moaning on her living room floor about eating and drinking too much. Then she passed out. This happened twice in a two week period. But even the memory of her, eyes half open and stumbling around, makes me ugly cry right now.

The house I consider home rests at the top of a hill just outside of town. It was gutted when my mom and step-dad bought it about 14 years ago. They fixed it up and as a family we applied our own color. It has more cracks than Ponderosa and most of the carpet is stained with dog piss. My usual Christmas outfit is sweatpants, sweatshirt and a full layer of dog/cat hair.

Even so, I will miss my house; the smell and warmth of the furnace; the dark, wooden steps and-most of all-the inhabitants.

My sister is nine years younger than me and I worship her. She is a typical self-absorbed, moody teenager and for weeks leading up to Christmas I listen to her talk about how she is "like, soooooo excited, like for Christmas, lol" and then when Christmas arrives she like, spends, like the whole day, like, pissed in her, like, room-about who knows what.

My mind wanders to my mother. She KNOWS the spirit of Christmas. She is tiny (so cute I want to pick her up and burp her) and even though I am 26, Christmas without her just doesn't feel right. She makes the gingerbread house and I apply the candy. She gets the tree and I decorate. She makes paper snowflakes for the window and I...watch. She is the Christmas yin to my Christmas yang.

But...bullseye...I know exactly what I WILL NOT miss from Ohio.

Yes, I will miss my mom dearly but:

My mother has HORRIBLE gas. When she passes gas the room clears, moods change and auras fade. Driving can be dangerous; eyes watering and gagging reflexes are distracting. This problem has been reoccurring for years. Every Christmas our family can expect a new trial of her latest remedy; one year it's charcoal, the next-no sugar. "I really think it's dairy. If I just stay away from ice cream it should be OK." She uses Beano consistently and insists that it helps. It might be classified as obsessive and it is definitely one of her favorite topics to talk about.

If I get homesick this Christmas I know what will fill that hole in my heart-remembering the nightmarish fumes that invade my nostrils every year.

No, no, I will not miss my mother's flatulence but that doesn't mean I won't miss hearing about the newest remedy at a big family Christmas dinner.